Monday, June 30, 2014

INSPIRING WOMEN {Jessica Dupass}

It's almost July so that means it's time to post June's INSPIRING WOMAN. Her name is Jessica Dupass and she is absolutely amazing. Her and her family have been through so much, yet she looks at life as a huge blessing. Her story is so uplifting and amazing, I hope you enjoy it. 

Here it is...

Miracles do happen! Just when you think that all odds are stacked against you and that you’re all alone in your struggles… God steps in, takes your hand and leads you to where you need to be. That was where I was 32 weeks ago! I had given up all hope… hit rock bottom and accepted the fact that God had given me everything I was meant to have and I was eternally grateful for my amazing blessings. You see, I have two beautiful children! So, God had blessed me beyond what many women will ever get the chance to have. But, my story is a little different than most…

In 2005 I was blessed with my amazing husband and our first little miracle Jaxten. I had a normal “accidental” pregnancy! Jaxten was born 4 weeks early and he was a pretty sick baby but he was able to pull out of his sickness and we were able to take him home 2 weeks after he was born. He has been one of my greatest accomplishments in this life. He is the most kind hearted, loving and helpful kids you’ll ever meet! He is wise beyond his years, He understands and has been through what most adults cant even handle. I can look into that boys eyes and see heaven. He owns half of my heart! When Jaxten turned two my husband and I decided that our family wasn’t yet complete and so we started trying to have another baby. We tried for over a year before we realized that something was wrong, we decided to reach out for help. I was later diagnosed with Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS) and Endometriosis. I was only ovulating healthy Eggs once a year. So, the odds were stacked against us. I started taking all sorts of fertility meds and getting monthly ultrasounds to check Egg growth. If you have ever actually had to “TRY” to get pregnant you’ll understand what I mean when I say it’s Taxing! It so hard financially, physically and mentally to try to get pregnant. It makes something so beautiful and natural feel like a full time job! Finally, 3 years after deciding to add to our family, I got my beautiful positive pregnancy test! We were so happy and blissfully unaware. We had another one of those perfect pregnancies. We found out we were having another boy! Finally our little family was going to be complete. At 36 weeks I had already had a baby shower, nested, and my bags were packed. We were ready to bring home our baby boy!  
On the night of October 5th, 2005 my blissful ignorance bubble was popped.  Faithfully, every night at 10:30 my son would start moving. But, that night was different… he didn’t move. At 11 I started to get worried, so I called the hospital to see what I should do. They told me to drink really cold water while lying on my left side and if that didn’t work to go ahead and come in to be checked. Well… It didn’t work. At the time I lived about 35 minutes from the hospital and my husband was at work. I called him and told him to meet me at the hospital. The whole drive in I was trying to get my little man to move. His tiny toes were up in my ribs, so I was pushing them to see if he would kick back. I knew at that point that something was wrong but I didn’t want to believe it. When we arrived at the hospital one of the nurses said to me “let’s find this heartbeat so you can go home and get some rest” I’ll never forget those words or the look on her face when she couldn’t find the heartbeat. She said “maybe it’s just this Doppler”. So, she called in an ultrasound tech. When he placed the monitor on my belly and I saw that his heart was still, I remember the world kind of just stopped… I could feel myself scream but I couldn’t hear it. My beautiful baby boy, Jrayden Max Dupass was born sleeping the next day at 4:23. He was the epitome of perfection… Absolutely breath takingly beautiful. As far as the eye could see there was not a single thing wrong with him and honestly according to all the tests ran on him, physically he was perfect as well. We were left with no explanation as to why our baby boy earned his wings. He was just too perfect for this Earth! That evening we left the hospital with nothing but empty arms and broken hearts. After that it was a whirlwind of trying to figure out funeral arrangements and burial costs. The only thing I could think of was “why am I picking out caskets and headstones when I should be putting together his nursery and crib?”. Life changed from that point on! Jrayden changed everything about my family. We learned to appreciate life and each other a whole lot more than the average person because we knew how fast it could be over. He has been such a blessing and he touched lives of people that never had the opportunity to meet him. 

From then on a whole different fire was lit within me… I had an uncontrollable desire to be a mother again. My arms felt so empty but heavy at the same time. Every waking moment I thought about getting pregnant again, I wanted so badly to fill the void that burying my child left in my heart. Luckily, I didn’t have to wait long. Apparently, after you have a baby you’re extremely fertile! Jrayden was born at the beginning of October and by the Beginning of December I was pregnant again. I had never been so scared in my entire life! Every second, of every day I was terrified that I was going to lose that baby too. I couldn’t function because I was so scared! I am not sure if being terrified every second of the day is what caused me to miscarry that baby, but on February 14 2011 I went to a routine ultrasound and found out that our little beans heart had stopped beating and Heaven had gained our second angel. My body wasn’t naturally going to do what it was supposed to so, I ended up having to have a D&C. We still had no explanation as to why all of this kept happening to us. I felt like I was being punished for something that I did or didn’t do, and I started to hate my body for hurting my babies. It’s really hard trying to get away from something that you hate when it’s connected to you! My husband and I started having problems because I didn’t feel like he was hurting like I was and he wasn’t nearly as sad as he should be. I couldn’t see beyond my own grief to recognize that he was just as sad as I was. He was just having difficulty expressing it to me because he was afraid that if he spoke of our babies, it would make me even more sad than I already was. We started counseling and it really helped us to figure out how to process our feelings towards each other and our grief. We learned how to talk with each other and deal with our emotions.

We decided to take the year off from trying to have another baby… I had to emotionally prepare myself to be able to loose another one. That sounds horrible but honestly that’s what our lives had come to. I needed to prepare myself either way. It took a lot of prayers to get to the point where we were ready again. Once we were ready it took another year just to conceive. We tried everything to get pregnant (except IVF) it seemed as if nothing was working. I had gained 30 pounds from the fertility medicines and emotional eating. I started to become very unhappy in my own skin. So, I decided to take some time to focus on myself and getting my body back to a healthy weight. Once again we decided to take a break from trying to have a baby. But, not for long because I found out the next month that I was pregnant! We were elated. It is such an amazing feeling to finally see a positive pregnancy test after so many negatives. Once you see that positive you can start to imagine all of your dreams coming true. With this pregnancy though, I didn’t let myself get comfortable. It’s probably a good thing because I felt like it was over almost as fast as it happened. I didn’t even let myself get used to the idea that we could be having a baby before it was over. I went to my 8 week ultrasound and our little bean didn’t have a heartbeat. Our doctor told us we had a 50% chance that it is just early and that it may start beating within the next week. No such luck though… I started bleeding two days later and once again, Heaven gained another angel. 

I hate to admit this but I hit the very bottom of the pit. I blamed God and I was so mad at him for taking away my babies. Why couldn’t I have my happy ending like everyone else? I began to hate all pregnant women and I couldn’t stand to be in the same room as newborns. I would get panicky and sweaty when I was around them. I felt broken and completely alone. This is the point where God started to step in and lead me to where I needed to go. I ended up finding an amazing support system when I met this wonderful group of women, they are all mothers to angels. I started to find out that I wasn’t alone in my struggles and that the feelings I felt, other people had felt as well. I had validation to all of my anger and sadness and that meant the world to me. 
It’s amazing what knowing you’re not alone can do for you! I started to truly heal at that point. 

Financially trying to get pregnant was getting more and more difficult. Every time we did an IUI it was about $1000. It’s no where near what it would cost to do In-vitro but it’s still really hard to come up with that amount of money and still pay the bills. So, we decided to start a Fund page to help us with the costs. We ended up raising enough money to do another round of treatment. With all the prayers and support we were receiving, I was really hopeful that it would work. But sadly it didn’t. We ended up doing one more attempt before giving up on all hope. I felt like every block that could be added to my shoulders, was added. I could no longer stand with all of the weight. It was then that I fell upon my knees and had a serious heart to heart with our Heavenly Father. For the first time ever, I felt like I was actually talking directly to Him. I went to bed that night a whole lot lighter and I awoke with a new perspective. I needed to be more grateful for all the many blessing that I have already received. I have an amazing and supportive husband. I truly feel like I found the one person in the millions of people on earth that was made for me. He is my soul mate! I have the most loving and kind son. He’s so smart! I am so grateful that he picked me to be his momma. My world would have crumbled around me by now if it wasn’t for that boy! I have a beautiful baby boy waiting for me in Heaven! I actually made someone so perfect and beautiful that God took him directly home. Not everyone can say that they held perfection. But I can… I held him within my body for 36 amazing weeks, in my arms for 5 beautiful hours and I will hold him in my heart until the day that I am once again reunited with him. I am truly more blessed than I will ever be able to put into words. I have a beautiful life! From that day on I put everything in God’s hands. I felt a thousand pounds lighter and a million times better. My husband and I lost about 70 pounds between the two of us, our relationship went back to being what it was before all the stress of adding to our family caused. It felt amazing! 

So fast forward a couple months. This is where the real miracle begins… This last Christmas was like any other Christmas except for one amazing thing. After we opened all of our gifts I had this gentle whisper telling me that I needed to take a pregnancy test. Not everyone has a pregnancy test on hand but when you don’t ever have a period you’re never really sure if you’re pregnant or not so you kinda just stock up. It had been over 4 months since I had a period so I was filled with doubt but I decided to listen to the whisper. I didn’t tell anyone what I was doing but I snuck away and took the test. As I watched the second line appear I was in complete shock… Could this really be possible? Is this just one of those false positives? Because there is no way I could possibly be pregnant. Right? We had given up all hope on having a baby… again. I cant even express the excitement I felt at that moment!! It was finally happening! I was going to be a mommy again. I grabbed a Christmas gift card box, wrapped up the POSITIVE test and headed out to give this amazing gift to my husband. I said “ hey babe, I forgot one”. When he opened up the box his eyes filled with tears and he said “Really? Does this mean you’re pregnant?”. We were both in denial! Luckily I didn’t have any more pregnancy tests and all of the stores were closed because I am pretty sure I would have gone pee on a stick crazy. Of course not really knowing if it was true and being in complete denial didn’t stop us from telling our families! Josh was scheduled for surgery the day after Christmas so we had to get up really early and head down to St. George. While he was back in surgery I ran to Target to get one of the tests that say “Pregnant” or “not Pregnant”. I actually took the test in the restroom at the hospital… waiting for the results seemed like the longest 3 minutes of my life. Actually seeing the word “Pregnant” was magical and very validating.  I was nervous about Josh’s surgery but I was even more excited to show him the test! 

This pregnancy has been completely different compared to the two after Jrayden passed away. I have put everything in our Heavenly Fathers hands. I know that there is nothing I can do either way to change His mind. After all we are all HIS children and it’s His decision when and how He will call us home. I can only hope and pray that He will trust us enough to care for one of His beautiful children until we’re called home. 

I am now 32 weeks pregnant with another baby boy! He is already so spunky and full of attitude. Everyday I have with this little man is a blessing! I can’t wait until my healthy, screaming, naked baby boy is placed in my arms. I can’t wait until these voids in my arms and heart are filled. 

So, Miracles do happen! Just when you think that all odds are stacked against you and that you’re all alone in your struggles… You’re NOT! Turn to Him because He is always there. 

I just want to say thank you to Jessica for being so willing to share her story on my blog. One morning I was laying in bed and I decided to get on Facebook. When I got on I had a notification for a personal message, it was from Jessica. We had never met and weren't even Facebook friends. She sent me the most wonderful message that even made me cry. She told me thank you for doing these "Inspiring Women" posts and for giving mothers a voice. She made all of this worth it and that was the whole reason I wanted to do this series. I wanted to bring attention to all the amazing women around us. Thank you Jessica for reaching out to me. You made me feel so wonderful and you also made it possible for your story to be told! 
You and your sweet unborn baby boy are in my prayers:)